Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
