I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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