Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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