Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
