I want to walk on stilts...naked
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
