The maid of honor just puked.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
