Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
