Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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