Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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