On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
