So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
