last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
