You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
