we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
