Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
