The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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