u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
