I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Nicole vs. Life
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
cat food counts as protein by the way
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
