Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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