My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
