Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
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I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
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I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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