words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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