My sheets look like a crime scene.
Porn is love you can see.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
