Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
