I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
