I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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