where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
