Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
