you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
