honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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