when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
