I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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