I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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