If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
