i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
