i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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