my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
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You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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