nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
