How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
