peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
