and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
