help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
