This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
