Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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