I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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