you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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