Soap is not a condiment
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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