I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I forget how to act sober
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
