Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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