Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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