I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
