I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
