why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
