God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
