the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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