You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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