I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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